God! Is he real?

Hi all

I am so sorry I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy with uni and work. Just to let you know everything is going well. This is a post I found that Timothy wrote about his struggle with God. We always had a lot of discussions about this topic. He was always up and down about whether he believed or not. This gives you an idea about some of the questions going around his head. I dd cut it as it does go on but his point is clearly made. Anyway as always I hope you enjoy it and I would love to hear your views.

Lee

I’ve being having problems with religion again. The more I think about it the more my head hurts. I seem to be pulled in different direction like a threesome with religion and atheism. I just wish things were simple. I really should not be having those kind of fantasies at my age. Just normal ones like being sandwich between the Sprouse brothers an force to decide who goes at which end. That’s the kind of dilemma I want to have. Not whether the existence God is a imaginary necessary  or a mapped guild line to perfection.

I am in two minds about this. In one mind I don’t think he exists. (Or she) On the other hand I would like him to exist. I like the idea of knowing that this isn’t just it. That there are more to come once our existence come to be. Some days I feel like I’ve been handed the crap card of life but as a reward God will make it up to me once my life is over. (oh great) So I just have to suffer for now which is bogus. (I love that word)

Here are 10 questions I have about God that hurts my head.

1. If God exists why are there so many different religions? Each of them proclaiming they are the truth and the others are liars. How are you supposed to choose the right one if all of them are determining by where you happen to be born and who is teaching you?

2. If God does exist why is he hiding? Why don’t he just come out and say ‘Here I am now stop your fighting and start worshiping me. What’s with the hide and seek game? I gave that up when I was 9.

3. What is with this worshiping? Really he made us so we just keep telling him how magnificent he is. Isn’t narcissism a sin or an illness?

4. What’s with the blackmailing? So he saying if I don’t worship him he gets his mate to beat me up and burn me for all eternity (Which is a long time. Talk about over dramatic) When did he become a fan of the Godfather?

5. Why is Christianity and Muslim the biggest religion with 2.5 billion people between them believing. What happens to the other 3.5 billion people? Don't they count?

6. How comes the two biggest religions are not the oldest? The oldest known form religion is Paganism. Even Kabbalah and Shamanism was formed before the big two, so how comes they get to dictate world policies and whether I am allowed to poke my boyfriends bum end.

7. Why do catholic priest find us teen boys so hard to resist? Where does it say in the bible I am OK to be used as a willy rest stop?

8. If religion is about peace and understanding then how comes most wars are base on the belief system and intolerant of each other?

9. If God made us in his image and he is perfect, then what’s the deal with the penis? Was that a joke and why on earth do we males have nipples? Who are we supposed to feed?

10. If God truly does exist. Then why has he never answered my prayers. Why am I still defected?

As we absorb more and more about the world and each other, the need for an external entity to guide us becomes less obligatory. Once we realise we need each other to progress and that can only be attained by collaboration and seeing each other as equals, then and only then will we be able to create the utopia we all want and advance as human species. However the more we try to individualise ourselves and split up into groups that fit our taught ideology the further we abstain from reaching that goal.

I think religion does more harm than good which is why my head hurts. That and the 6 cans of Redbull I’ve just drunk. We humans (yes I do speak for us all) seems to be desperate to explain the unknown. If we don’t have answer then we simply make it up. I think the stress of not knowing why we are here and what our purpose is force us to provide answers because we could not comprehend existing without some kind of plan.

We need rules and leaders above us in order not to descend into chaos. That’s where religion played it part. But as time moves on and our knowledge has grown the dependency that religion had on us is not needed. However people are afraid to let go of that stability because it offers direction and comfort and an itinerary for living where the unknown cannot.

I say we should embrace the unknown and not let it hold us back because knowledge is the true power of existence.

If god does exist and he is as perfect and just and wonderful as described then he will understand and not condemn us to a life of misery and pain just because we choose to live in peace. I think he would rather that than what we have today. People killing each other in his name.

Timothy and Amber at school

Hi Guys

Sorry I've not posted anything in a while. Things are kind of crazy at the moment but in a good way. Will be posting new stuff very soon

Lee

Gay Suicide

I thought you might like this one. Timmy wrote this in 2005.
Lee

I have a hard problem getting to grips with gay suicide. Young boys or girls who get to such a point, that their life is not worth living any more. Death becomes a better option. I know there has being many times in my life that I wanted it all to end. When my headache gets so bad that I feel my brain will burst or my back cease up and I can not walk. When all my muscle are beating pulsing pain through my veins screaming at me as if I am to blame for their plight, or when my cock is so horny and desperately needs a warm blanket to surround it and give a tight squeeze instead of being the sad lonely limp sparrow in a tree. (I seriously need help).

Yea sure on those days I think how peaceful it would be if it was to end now but I know it is just a phase and it will go. It does seem easier than suffering another day of torment and agony but never had I thought that the pressure of my sexuality should be such a rejection that my options are limited to only death.

I know at some point my life is going to finish, it will to all of us and I am not naive to know that for me it probably be a lot sooner. Don’t get me wrong I want to live as long as possible. Not too long though. I don’t want to live to an age where I have a leaky penis and a saggy sphincter and have to wear an adult nappy so not to leave a trail from the bedroom to my bathroom every time I need a poo but I‘ll be so forgetful that the trail will be needed to guide me back to the bedroom.

But never had I thought I want to end it all just because I fancy guys.

I am nervous about telling people I’m gay only cause I don’t want to get beaten up and I don’t really want to deal with the hassle of people shouting abuse or avoiding me because they think I am going to bum them like a horny ninja. I guest like all kids my age I don’t want to face rejection but I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m gay and that’s it.  It is who I am and there’s nothing I can do to change that. It is my identity and I accept that. So when I hear about a gay teen that has killed themselves because of the torment they suffer it makes me mad that people out there still don’t get it.

How stupid do you have to be to think you can change someone by hurling abuse or making them feel like shit? What kind of undeveloped fuck up brain cell can be produce that stop people accepting that nobody is the same.

So are they saying that everyone should be the same, think the same, look the same, buy the same, talk the same, smell the same, shag the same, dress the same. If that did happen you know what? More people will kill themselves from sheer boredom. A utopian society does not and cannot exist and a utopian society is just racism in colour. (Look up the Nazism. They tried it)

I don’t get homophobia at all. What are they scared of? Do they think it catching? Do they think it a disease? Do they think one look at a gay person will turn them in to a decent clothes wearing colour coordinated knowledge learning geek. It does not affect them in any way then what so bad about being gay?

I get that they might not like the thought of two guys playing connect two with their one eye snakes. I get that. I get that they won’t have the same emotionally feelings towards a hot shiny teen with a firm bubble butt and a enormous bulge in their front package. I get that they won’t have a tingling feeling if that teen is just in Speedos and is bending over to pick up the dropped soap and is called Aaron Carter and needs a helping hand with rubbing his back and the parts he can’t reach (er…. I stop now)

I get that the thought of two guys locking lips and sharing saliva and tongue twisting and rubbing each other pulsating members together does not rock their boat.  I get they don’t have the same feelings as I do. I get it. So why can’t they?

I mean it’s not rocket science. It really is simple. We just don’t feel the same way towards the same sex. I get that. (Accept they like two women getting it on. Two lads playing sausage dips that’s not ok. Two girls playing rim my bell, Fine! That I don’t get. Sexist chauvinist homophobia.  Is that a thing?)

The point I am making is, I get that when they have no understanding of the feelings I have and don’t share the same responses it can be hard to empathise with what I and other gays are going through. What I don’t get is why that would make them want to express hate and anger because of it.

I don’t have a mole on my face but I am not going to hate on someone who does. I don’t like football but I am not going to hate someone who does. I don’t like Paris Hilton but I am not going … oh wait a minute that’s a bad example.

People are different and always will be. That’s life. Get over it.

To committee suicide for being gay. There is something very wrong going on here. And it’s more than them just not liking gay people.

You know what I think? I think it’s has more to do with self image, confidence, self esteem and need not to be seen as weak and vulnerable. The need to put others down to make themselves look stronger and important. To push all their problems onto someone who can’t fight back and make them the scapegoat of their failures. To go with what they think the majority wants. That’s it isn’t it. Majority wins. They don’t want to stand alone so they go with the big groups in order to appear normal.

That’s nothing more than a pathetic cows bollocks excuse to show that man can live without a brain. People like that are thick as shit and should have being a stain on their fathers bathroom wall. They should have never had the chance to be conceived.

For those who shout out god hates gays. I say to you show me where in the bible it says that. I know it says man should not lay with another man but it also say that man should not sleep with a woman unless they are married. So the bible says everyone should not be fucking unless married. It does not say hate the gays and beat them up. It was never one of the commandments. It fact it says love thy neighbor as you would thyself. That means bitches we should be treated the same as you want to be treated. God words not mine.

My fellow gays. We got to be better than this. We can’t let these human rejects who are nothing more than a waste of a good sperm that should have being swallowed by their mums, dictate our reason for being alive. We are better than them, we are smarter than them and we are stronger than them. Don’t do things by yourself, seek out solidarity.  We’re out there. You can find us on the internet, in the pub, in books, films, and that toilet behind Soho Station in London with the hole in the cubical. You’re not alone. If you ask for help you will get it. You may have to shout but you will be heard. Fear is the driving force for ignorance. Let open their eyes and show them that we more alike than they think. That will scare the shit out of them. But please don’t think the answer is to enter the endless sleep. That helps no one. We have got to build the roads so others that follow can have a smooth ride. They got to see that they have nothing to be ashamed off and we can’t show that if we are ashamed of ourselves.

We can’t let them down. So do us all a favor

SURVIVE

The Story so Far...........

Hi All

Hope you all had a good New Year and well and truly into 2012. Last time I wrote to you things have not been that great. I was having a lot of issues and we were not getting on as a family. Everyday there was some sort of argument and we all blaming each other for things that just was not that important.  Stephen was going off the rail and mum and dad were fighting. I think when Little Timothy needed to go to hospital it made us all focus on what was really important. Each other.
I think we lost sight of that because we did not want to deal with our feelings towards Timothy death. Having little Timothy sent to hospital brought back memories of what it was like when Timothy was young. We were all worried that little Timothy would have the same condition and would have to go through the same process all again.

This was a good thing in away because it made us focus on each other and gave us the break that we all so desperately needed. I had a talk with Stephen to find out what was going on. As suspected it was all to do with missing Timothy and him blaming himself which was crazy but I knew just how he felt. It was the guilt of being alive and knowing there was nothing you could have done to save someone you loved and cared for deeply. So you punish yourself as a way of coping building up anger and you lash out and act in an excusable manner so someone will shout at you or punish you to justify feeling unworthy. What you really need is someone to talk to and at the time when Stephen needed us we were all so consumed in our own agenda we did not hear him. So he was left to cope on his own. I promise him that will never happen again. I will always make myself available to him just like Timothy was for him and me.

Last week we got the all clear with little Timothy which was great news and a huge sign of relief. The whole episode as made us closer as a family and made us realise that we are still grieving the lost of Timothy and it is now time to move on.

So I will start re-posting Timothy's old blogs and emails and what ever else I can find. I won't do it every month or on a regular bases. I have others things to do and get on with but I will post here and then. Sorry to ramble on about me and my family. I know you would rather see Timothy's stuff but I hope a little insight to what is going on at home will make you understand the struggles we all had this pass months and why the blogs have being kind of rubbish.

Thanks for sticking with us and helping us with your support and kind messages. I hope this year will be a better year for all of us.

Timothy Age10

Merry Christmas and Sorry

 

First of all I am really sorry that I have not posted anything in a while. The last view months it has being difficult for me to concentrate on Timothy's blog and post some of his stuff. First dealing with his anniversary which was hard and then dealing with a few problems we are having with Stephen. He kind of gone wild and got himself into trouble with the police. On top of that Timothy (Junior) has not being well and that has kind of taken it toll on mum and dad. So all in all it has been a shit couple of months. So I hope you understand why this blog has taken a back seat. I promise in the new year I will start posting more of Timothy stuff since a lot of you are enjoying reading it. In the mean time I have posted an email I received from Brian in which he interprets what he thought Timothy poem was about. I would be interested on your thoughts as well.

Just a quick thanks to Brian for taking the time to do this

So Merry Christmas everybody and we will resume in the new year

Lee 

Timmy’s Poem.

As I stand on the edge of my invention

I chimera roads that cannot be built

In my mind I claim the ascension

But I am too proud to walk that journey

His “invention” could be the end of his life, or this poem, or both.

Very nice use of language.

Chimera: I had to look this up. It means a fabulous monster of many parts, so it could refer to his “invention”. But he might have meant to say “climb” roads, especially as he says “ascension” in the next line.

“Roads that cannot be built” he can’t know the path after his death.

Claiming the ascension would mean the path to heaven. I like that he says he is too proud to claim it, rather than too humble. This is the stuff of a true poet, thinking in a different way.

I know where I must actualise my stand

With a bless kin to shoulder some weight

As I extend for the grasp of any hands

I learn that my nemesis is just a misjudge friend

Timmy is talking about needing and getting the support of his family and friends.

You could argue that it should be “blessed kin” but I think “bless” is poetic licence.

I think that the images in each of the last two lines are very fine.

His Nemesis, is his fate, of course.

My legacy will bore my tales

With stinging tears to visualise my fears

I shall remove this tattered veil

So my nakedness sings a purest song

I think he means “bare my tales”.

His legacy is this poem and his other writings.

The “tattered veil” can be his imperfect body,

or his attempts to hide his thoughts and fears, to spare your feelings.

Or both.

He is telling you how it is for him.

Within me a hero’s cries awaits to be born

Yet too quite to be heard

My vent betrays this illusion

And shares my regretful secrets

I think it should be “too quiet to be heard” just a mis-type, I think.

“My vent” is this poem, being absolutely frank and open – and brave.

I know my train will one day arrive

For my ticket have already been brought

And a lonely one way ride I must impel

As I seek an angel guide

 Death is a journey that Timmy knows he will be taking soon.

Taking him away from you all.

The angel guide is the faith he is looking to support him.

But my time is a gift to be shared

To bare the brunt of it force

My blood pumps and accepts this dare

As I ignore the countdown clocks

Because he knows his time is short, he is making the most of his life, sharing it with family, friends, and all of us. Truly he had a gift to share.

Be proud of me and my soul

For it heeds no vengeful sorrow

I fought everyday my sanctified friend

For my battle was already won.

Timmy is asking you to be proud of him.

He is no longer angry at his approaching death, but has won that battle within himself.

I think it is a very fine ending.

1st Anniversary

It has been a year since my brother pass away. It funny but I thought today would be different. That some how a year would be a special landmark. I was expecting to feel something. Just feel different. But to be honest with you I feel the same today as I felt yesterday as I felt a year ago. I feel hollow, angry, lost, confuse deflated. There are days that I feel my life is not my own. There are some good days. I like them. That’s when I remember what’s best about my bro. The fun times we had and the jokes and laughs he brings. On those days I can smile. But they always end with a reminder that he is not here any more and my feelings of displacement returns.

I have always told you how much I look up to my brother. How amazing he was. I mean with all he has been through and all the downs in his life. He always could smile or crack a joke about it. Some days he might be sad but he always pick himself up and laugh about it. I think that’s what I like about him the most. His ability to just dust the downs of life and carry on. It is that what makes him a superhero in my eyes.

I remember once when he was about 16 I just got dump by my girlfriend. We had being seen each other for about 6 month. I was in my bed upset about the whole break. I felt like shit. I was about to break. I felt like nothing would ever be the same again. Then with out prompt. My brother came into my bed and laid down beside me and hug me. That made every thing ok. I felt so much better. Because he just knew I needed him. Then he brought his lips close to my ear and whispered. ‘did u lick her downstairs. Because if you did u better wash your mouth out with a bottle of

Domestos if you don’t want mum to find out. She will know’

Only my bro could come up with a line like that and cause me to crack up laughing and for the whole night he tease me and just kept me laughing

That’s what he was great at. Just taking a situation and putting it into simplify content.

Today me and the family went to see Timothy. It the first time I being back there in I think months. We sat down and we just talk. We had a family day and he was there. It was a beautiful day and it was nice for once all of us to be there. His friends Toby, Jamie, Amanda were with us as well. It was a really nice day and as I sit here typing this blog out I can’t help smiling for my bro and as always hit by a thunder of sadness.

Just quick thanks to Brian who sent me some of Timothy work from previous blogs. Quite a few I not seen before. I really enjoyed reading them. I went through a range of emotions. They brought tears to my eyes. I try and post the ones that are not on this blog  Thanks Brian. I am so lucky that Timothy made so many friends here and clearly they look after him. Thanks to all of you and those who take the time to comment. I wish I could show you how much they mean to me and how they have help me

Brother I’m still thinking of you, wish you were here

P.I.E

Hi All

Sorry for the late blog. To be honest I have not been up to doing it. I find it increasingly hard to put together this blog as it constantly reminds me that my brother is no longer with me. The last few months have being the worst and I am dreading next month. I guest things are really starting to get to me. I have not even gone to visit him. I just don't seem to be able to find the energy to go. I keep giving myself stupid reason to why I can't go. I am not sure what is going on with me at the moment but my head just is not right. I seem to be very angry every time I think of Timothy and I am not even sure why. I'm having major rows with my parents and I almost punch Stephen over some stupid remark. I wish I could understand where this is all coming from but I'm clueless. Things just seem to get to me easily.

Aanyway I found this from Timothy email which I thought you might enjoy. Next month will be the anniversary of my brothers death.  I trying to think back if there was any clue or something that could have warn me. Maybe if I seen it we would have acted and prevented  my brothers passing. I guess thats my one regret. Wish he was still here

Hi Timmy love your blog. You help alot of people, I hope you know that. I was wondering if you could tell me what London is like. I am moving there this fall. It sounds like a great city. What are the boys like? I'm from Arizona.

 

Oh wow I’ve been to Arizona. Bloody hot but loved it. Thanks for your email and I am so happy you like my blog. I take it fall is autumn.  Sometimes once in a while I need some ego boost just to keep me going (Or horny) so thanks again.

Right what can I tell you about London? It’s a shit hole. No I kid it's a great place. I wrote a piece on London I hope you find it useful.

My Guide to London

You must have loads of money. Everything here is expensive. You need to take a mortgage out just to spend a night out at London’s most popular sites. 

Watch out for Chavs. (Low intelligent cute boys with non existence fashion sense) They are rude and rarely speak to you unless it is to exchange some unimaginative insult about the fact you notice them. They see eye contact as a major threat.  To them it will mean you’re a paedophile and you want to rape them or you’re gay and want to rape them.
Unfortunately they have very small brain function and can only access limited information through their uterus which is why they keep thinking their anal passage is constantly in danger of mythical attacks. However be warned they are so fucking hot and present a strong case for the legalisation and use of Rophenol.

We have many traditional British food shops out here. McDonalds, KFC, and Pizza Hut to name a few and if you fancy a coffee and sandwich then just pop into a traditional British Starbuck or Subway. (You might have heard of them) If you want a truly British cuisine then go to a Fish and chip shop. There are run by great people where English is their fourth language.
 
We also have our pubs, best known for serving water down warm alcohol that taste like piss. (You can experience the same taste from sucking off a chav)

We have our royal family which everybody in England knows personally. (I love Prince Harry and there are so many illegal things I want to do to that boy arse) Everybody loves William but only cause he is the son of Diana and the future King of the Gays. I would just love to put a crown on his head. (cough)

We do have some very cute boys who are so hot and fit but they are all straight (But take it from me that is not a barrier) Most of them are happy to try new things or at least wave their dicks at you. Just tell them it is big in America and they will copy. British boys love to copy the Americans. Oh and if you offer them a beer and an ecstasy tab they probably do anal.

We love our sports out here. Such as ‘out run a mugger’ (that’s very popular) Dodge the bullet (Big in the East End) and Stab a hoodie’ (This is a national sport here) and if you can't find those sports try Happy Slapping. (No this is not a euphemism)

Most of the girls under 15 are pregnant and are single. Mostly because Chav boyfriends find their vagina too loose and keep slipping out when then try to connect. This is a common problem cause by too many Chav trying to enter at once. However they have a good game where they try and collect the most STD to win a council house. Best to avoid. They are easy to spot. You usally find them drunk on a saturday night bent over puking wearing a belt for a skirt. They don't tend to wear knickers and have a free entry sign tatoo on their back.

We have a great education system that teaches you about money and prepare you for life on your own in debt. Be warn though if you don’t have a debt you will feel out of place and find you won’t be eligible for the course about getting out of debt. The starting price for most of them is £1000. So do your best to feel integrated.

The gay boys here are lovely and are the best thing about London. They are friendly and will welcome you with open cocks. They are also easy to spot. They wear 2 size too small t-shirt and walk like they have just come of a horse (Depends who they were with last night) They also have a tatoo on their back. It says maxmin 2 at once.)


All in all London is a great place with it share of problems like any other city. We also like to welcome or visitors by conning them out of all their money. So if you do come let me know. Hope this help. 
Have a good time.